Yea I Still Suck at Regular Blogging

So, I'm well aware of my failures at keeping up with this blogging thing! And well, honestly, now just doesn't feel like the time to update the few followers I have on the craziness that my life has been recently. Craziness in good and bad ways. Haha but luckily more good than bad. So for now, life is good, I'm good, and God is good and that's what matters. On a completely unrelated note. Today in church, most of the college aged people were asked to speak. I wrote a talk, but then felt like a nerd because I thought I was the only one who wrote a talk. I was wrong. The person who spoke after me wrote a talk and it was really amazing and it made me feel bad for not sharing my talk. So I told my Dad that I would (begrudgingly) speak in the Spanish Branch, now that he's the branch president and needs speakers quite often. I just feel like I can't let that talk go to waste. So, until I can use it, I figured maybe I'd post it on here and someone would get something out of it. So, without further ado, I present to you, the second talk that I have ever written in my life.

In times of uncertainty and hardship nothing soothes my soul more than prayer. Having a direct connection to my father in Heaven and knowing that he hears and answers my prayers is a huge comfort to me. It's not always easy to hold on and have faith in times of trial, however one of my favorite stories from the scriptures, show me that it is worth it.

In Matthew Chapter 9 a man comes to the Savior and asks him to raise his daughter from the dead, as he rises to follow this man and heal his daughter, a woman comes up behind him. This woman had had an issue with blood, as the scriptures say, for 12 years, and she knew that if she even just touched the Savior's garments, that she would be made whole. The Savior turns around and in verse 22 says, “Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole.”

This story taught me that faith will make me whole. When I am filled with endless worry and doubt, and have a hard time seeing the path before me, I know that if I just have faith, that everything will be okay.

President Ucthdorf says in a talk in the October 2011 conference called You Matter to Him, “what you see and experience now is not what forever will be. You will not feel loneliness, sorrow, pain, or discouragement forever. We have the faithful promise of God that He will neither forget nor forsake those who incline their hearts to Him. Have hope and faith in that promise. Be assured that if you but hold on, believe in Him, and remain faithful in keeping the commandments, one day you will experience for yourselves the promises revealed to the Apostle Paul: “Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.”

It is easy to get lost in the shuffle, to feel discouraged, to feel that maybe no one truly sees you after all, but as the scriptures also say, the worth of souls is great in the sight of God, there is not one soul numbered among this earth or in the heavens that Heavenly Father is not aware of, that he does not know by name. I know that he knows me, I know that He loves me, I know that He has a plan for me. I know that He knows my weaknesses, that he knows my fears, but I know that when I have faith, and when I pray that He will give me the strength and the happiness and the courage to go on in the dark.

President Uchtdorf also says, “God sees you not only as a mortal being on a small planet who lives for a brief season—He sees you as His child. He sees you as the being you are capable and designed to become. He wants you to know that you matter to Him.”

There is nothing so all-encompassing as God's love and knowledge of us. There are few things more comforting than knowing that my Father in Heaven knows everything about me. He also knows the best ways to help me. I know that sometimes when I ask for help, it is not always given right away, but I do know that when I move forward with faith and hope that at some point I'll figure out what I'm doing, or at some point he'll help me.

Richard G. Scott gave a talk called The Sustaining Power of Faith in Times of Uncertainty and Testing, and in this talk he says, “A fundamental purpose of earth life is personal growth and attainment. Consequently, there must be times of trial and quandary to provide opportunity for that development. His plan of happiness is conceived so that we will have challenges, even difficulties, where decisions of great importance must be made so that we can grow, develop, and succeed in this mortal probation. 1 Gratefully, in His perfect love, He has provided a way for us to resolve those challenges while growing in strength and capacity. I speak of the sustaining power of faith in times of uncertainty and testing. God has given us the capacity to exercise faith, that we may find peace, joy, and purpose in life. However, to employ its power, faith must be founded on something. There is no more solid foundation than faith in the love Heavenly Father has for you, faith in His plan of happiness, and faith in the capacity and willingness of Jesus Christ to fulfill all of His promises.”

I think faith also centers on trust. Trust that God will do what's best for you, that he knows what is best for you, and that he will never leave you helpless of comfortless. But in return for his help and comfort we must show our faith and trust in him. We must stand up boldly and confess our beliefs. We must live and act in ways that there are no doubts as to who our beliefs are centered in. As disciples of Christ, we are examples of Him. We take upon ourselves his name each Sunday, and we must act in ways that glorify his name. We must stand forth as Captain Moroni does in the Book of Mormon and raise our own personal “Titles of Liberty” telling, and more importantly showing the world our faith, and our beliefs. It is not always easy to do, none of us are perfect, and none of us will do the right thing every time, but that is what repentance is for. I am beyond grateful for my Heavenly Father, for his love and understanding. I am grateful for my family, who have raised me in the Gospel, and have given me a solid foundation to build my testimony on. I am so thankful for all of the wonderful examples that the members of this ward have provided me with. I know that as we hold on and have faith, as we testify of Christ through our words and actions that we will be blessed every day. As we take those steps in the dark, as we move through hard and uncertain times, when we have faith, our paths will always be lighted.

My Future

So, I don't really know what the future holds. But I do know what I'd like it to hold. I saw this song posted on my friend's facebook page, and I already like one song that Dave Barnes does, it's called Until you. If you haven't heard it yet, go listen to it right now! It's worth it. Anyhow, so I knew I already liked one song from this guy, so why not check out this other song. I checked it out, and it's almost the exact, perfect vision of what I want for my future. I'm a small town girl. It's what I know, and it's what I like. I see myself living out in the country, not too far outside city limits, but far enough to where it's quiet and the only light at night comes from the stars and maybe some outside lights too. The song itself is musically beautiful, and the lyrics paint this beautiful picture of a life I want to have for myself.

"We'll be living out where the river bends
Where the grass gets green and the highway ends, living easy
You and me baby and the daffodils
Kids growing up in the rolling hills
And love, will be enough, for us."

I often look back on summer vacations spent in Arizona, and how much I loved my time there. I'd love to move back someday. Like I said before, I don't know what the future holds, but I hope someday it will hold a husband and children, and a cute little house on the outskirts of a town. I've always been a day dreamer. I like to day dream, and this, is my fondest day dream. The life I want for myself. To be a stay at home mom, raising 5 or so kids in love and righteousness, a loving husband with a great job, and falling more in love with life every day. *Sigh* This, is my fondest dream.

New Year New Me?

No pictures for this post, sadly, but still plenty of stuff worth reading about! So the whole new year new me saying? I think it's crap. That saying has always kind of bugged me. Why wait for a new year to be a completely different person? I've made the decision to improve myself several times, haven't always stuck with it, but this time I kind of have to. I am a 22 year old (not for much longer!) single woman, living in Rexburg, Idaho. To most people that doesn't mean much, to those who have been here, they know it's practically old maid status, and you're surrounded by THOUSANDS of couples! Normally, I don't mind, but there are definitely days where I think it would be nice to be part of a two-some. Anyhow, so the point of all of that extraneous background information was to make the point that, I have decided BECAUSE I am still single, that I may as well use this time to make improvements on myself.

I have struggled for years with low self-esteem. I think this is a common problem with most young women. I made some stupid choices as a teenager, which we will not get into because that is nobody's business but mine. Haha however, when I went to BYU-Idaho for the first time and met this wonderful amazing girl who was such a wonderful example to me, she inspired me to change my life around. I decided to be a different person than who I was in high school. I'm not saying it was an easy path, but it was the best path I have ever taken. I decided to be a different person, because I didn't like who I was before. I didn't like being so unsure of myself, being angry for dumb reasons, and making some poor choices. As I've grown into the person I want to be, I haven't taken time to really evaluate where I'm at. I'd been so busy just getting through college that I didn't really think, what am I learning about myself?

I think that was really one major benefit of moving home last winter. I got to spend some down time with my family. I also got to really figure out where I want to go in life, and who I want to be. I faced some opposition in going home, not from my parents but from other people. Some hurtful things were said, some feelings were hurt, and resistance came up. However, I learned that I need to do what is best for me. Others may not always like it, but if I feel it is best for me, and if I feel this is the path that God wants me to take, then that's what it has to be. I need to rely on me more. I've gotten so used to relying on my family for everything that I sometimes let them make decisions for me. I can't do that anymore. So that's one thing on my list.

I think this past semester at BYU-Idaho was really good for me. I had some amazing and wonderful experiences that really validated my being here, again. I'm where I need to be, I'm learning things I need to know, and I'm becoming the me I want to be. So here's my thinking. If I feel I need to change, I'm not going to wait for a whole entire year to pass before I decide to do something about it. No hesitation. If I feel I need to make a change in my life, then I will. I feel like I'm rambling, this is just my thought process though! Haha sorry. But I kind of just write all this down as I think about it. Back to the topic at hand though, who am I and who do I want to be?

I want to be better. I want to be a better daughter, sister, and student. I want to be better in saying my prayers, in reading my scriptures, and in my attitude towards others. This is still something I'm struggling with. Especially this semester. I can tell there's one girl living with me, who's just going to bug me. So I'm trying to be nicer to her. Anyhow, I want to be a better server. I don't think I take time enough to serve people, or look for ways to serve people, so I want to be better at that. I want to be more active. Because I have to eat a low-fat diet now, (lack of a gallbladder will do that to a person) I want to make the best of it. I want to be healthier, so as such, I am eating healthier, and now I'm going to exercise! (And hope and pray it becomes a habit!) I want to not be a doormat. I don't want people to view me as someone they can walk all over, as they have in the past. I am not that person anymore. I do let people take advantage of me, sometimes, and I know I do, and I hate it. So, I'm not going to be that girl anymore. I want to be confident. This one is going to take a while. Confidence doesn't develop over night, and the more a girl is rejected the harder it is for her to hold her head up high and feel like she's a beautiful person. But I truly feel like God has someone and something very special for me in my future. So, I need to be patient and walk tall. I want to be a better friend. I'm really lazy sometimes, and so because I don't want to go out, I'll cancel plans with friends. It makes me look like a flake, and feel like a jerk. I don't want people to think that I don't keep my word. So I will be better about that.

There are so many more things that I feel I should work on but for the purposes of this blog, I think we'll wrap up my "what I want to be." Last but certainly not least, I want to choose to be happy. My Aunt Lucy has this sign in her bathroom. It says, "We tend to seek happiness, when happiness is actually a choice." So, I will choose to be happy. I will do my utmost to "turn my frowns upside down", and "keep on the sunny side of life." While I'm at it, I'm mentally changing all of these "I want's" to "I'm going to." I can want something all the livelong day, but that doesn't actually guarantee that I'll do something about it. Well, that's going to change. I'm going to make an actual physical list of all of these, put it somewhere where I can see, and do something each day to make more progress towards my goal of being a better person. This semester is going to be an interesting one in many different ways. I'm learning a lot in all of my classes especially about the family. But I will be able to say at the end of the semester, that I worked as hard as I could, I made some really fun memories, and I worked to be a better me. I know that God loves me, and I know I haven't realized my full potential yet. I don't want to leave this Earth not having realized my full potential. So, I will make this list, and I will work towards seeing it fulfilled, and I will be able to say that I am proud of myself, and I have made my family proud of me.

Finals and Christmas!

I finished out the semester strong and I was so proud of myself! I can honestly say that I have never worked that hard in school at any point before in my life. It really payed off! I was so proud of myself! I had to wake up at 6 in the morning for a final one day, but it was worth it because I got all of my finals done that day and was able to just spend the next day relaxing and getting ready to go home! Before the semester ended however, my roommates and I took roommate pictures, and they turned out really well, and it was a ton of fun! I really miss those girls!

I was so incredibly excited to go home! mostly because I hadn't seen my mom since September. Being that my mom is my absolute best friend, it is so hard to be away from her. So, to go home and see her was so exciting for me! AND I GOT TO GO HOME AND MEET MY SWEETIE PEANUT! Haha okay, so one of my best friend's from back home had a baby about a week before I was going home for Christmas break. Let me tell you, when your best friend is in labor, and you know your godson could be born any minute, it is sooooo hard to focus! However, she got through it like a champ and at 7:13 pm Steven Alexander Rodriguez, AKA Peanut, was born. He weighed 8 lbs. 11 oz. and was 20 inches long, and the first picture I saw of him had me balling like a baby. How grateful I was for this little miracle sent to her family from God. I felt so bad, because when I got home I was just so exhausted from working so hard that entire semester that I didn't want to see anybody! Haha add to that the fact that almost everyone in my family was sick or getting sick, and well that doesn't make much desire to go out and socialize.

I bought him this outfit!

Mom and Alex

Already in love

Baby and Daddy! They look soo similar!

Fresh out of the bathtub, nice and snuggly

So, we left Rexburg at 5 in the morning on the 15th, and I was sooo glad to have left that early! I was exhausted from having pulled an almost all-nighter, so I slept the majority of the way. Also, major props to my baby sister Taylor for staying up as late as I did, even later! So that I would make sure to wake up and not miss my ride, because I had done that my freshman year at Thanksgiving. Taylor and Carolina also walked with me to my ride's apartment, so I didn't have to walk all alone in the cold at 4:45 in the morning. Haha I was VERY appreciative! So we left Rexburg and had GREAT weather the entire trip! I was so grateful! It was a blessing from God for sure! We got home around 2:30 or so in the afternoon Washington time.

Oh but we had an interesting experience when we stopped in Baker City, Oregon. We were paying for gas and then we were going to leave when all of a sudden the cashier asked where we were from. So we say we're from Washington, to which he replies, "Are you guys enjoying the new laws over there?" Referring mainly to the legalization of marijuana, and we all just kind of looked at him and had to laugh a little, because here are these three Mormon kids who just left the bubble of Rexburg, Idaho, and there was no more obvious sign of that then this guy asking us if we were enjoying being legally able to smoke weed. Blake, the guy who drove, answered him by saying that we haven't been home much to enjoy it, and I think that was the best answer any of us could really come up with, although none of us smoke. It was just so odd, random, and funny. We were laughing about it for the rest of the trip home. It was incredibly unexpected but very very funny.

I loved being home though. Being so surrounded by my family and being able to just veg all day every day was beautiful. My goal for the break was to read the entire Work and the Glory series. The series is 9 books long and most of the books are comparable to the size of Harry Potter books, maybe a little smaller. I made it through all but 2 of the books! Seeing my grandparents was so fun, especially, it was really sad though because they were really sick while I was there. Thankfully, they've gotten better since, but I was sad that they weren't feeling well. Christmas Eve was spent, as usual at Aunt Lucy's house. The house was CRAZY full of people! There was my family, Lucy's family, Marcia's family, and two of the Winters' family. I think there were around 40 people there. The house was full to capacity of people. It was crazy hot, but soo much fun! It was so fun to see all of my family and to be able to catch up with them! I even got to take a picture with my cousin Megan, who is one of my favorite people!

Me and Megan

Me and my siblings on Christmas Eve in our new pj's!

Christmas day was spent at home, which was REALLY weird! We normally spend the day at our grandparents' house opening gifts, and showing what our parents gave us, and talking and eating and having a lot of fun. However, because my grandparents were sick, we stayed home. Which was fun, but I still would have loved to spend that day with my whole family. I got so many fun gifts for Christmas but the best gift of all was being able to spend so much time with my family. I missed my sister Mallory so much, and my brother Blake. It did my heart a lot of good to be able to be with them. New Year's Eve also brought a break with tradition. We usually go over to my Aunt Marcia's house and play games, eat and wait for the New Year, but this year because my stomach was acting up and Taylor wasn't feeling well, we stayed home. We watched some movies, talked and snuggled and it was so much fun. I absolutely loved every minute of being home. Which made leaving a thousand times harder. The break seemed to go by so fast, and I felt like I wasn't getting enough time at home, that I needed so much more. I think part of that was because I hadn't come back to school last winter, so my heart and in many ways my body wanted to stay. The night before I left I cried saying good night to my mom, and then the next morning I cried saying good bye as she went off to work. She was better about it than me, though. She told me to just act like it's another day and that she'll see me after work, so I tried to pretend but my heart still hurt. To make matters worse, I hadn't slept much that night, and my stomach was hurting when I woke up, and I started to get a fever and chills right before we left. However, I made it through the trip okay, and the roads going back were clear, and the weather was good as well. We got back at around 8 pm Idaho time and I was exhausted! Especially because I didn't sleep at all during the ride back. However, we got back safe and sound, and even though it was sub zero temperatures, I was still glad to be back, in some ways.

Yuletide Amazing-ness!

So, from what I remember, I last said I wasn't going home for Thanksgiving. What a different experience that was! To spend several days and a major holiday with a family that isn't yours. It was a worthwhile experience though. I got to spend several days with two of my best friends. I don't have any pictures from this time, but I have plenty of mental pictures. I was able to talk, laugh, and reminisce with two ladies who hold a very special place in my heart, and that was fun. It was hard to be away from family, but it was a good experience to see how other people do Thanksgiving. We even went Black Friday shopping! Boy was that an experience! First, we went to this second hand store called Lily's Too, which was AMAZING! We went there to shop for dresses for the Jane Austen Yule Ball. I had asked my date a little less than two weeks before the dance. Let me backtrack a little and tell you that story! 

So there is this guy from my home ward up here at BYU-Idaho, and he and I have been good friends for a long time, and I wondered if I should ask him to the dance. So, I texted his older sister and asked if she could do some reconnaissance for me. She was so helpful to me! She called him and in a very sneaky way asked if he would be interested in going to this dance. He answered by saying it sounded interesting, but that it would be something he'd most likely want to take a good friend or family member to. Then came the decision of HOW to ask him. Do I do something extravagant? Or do I do something simple and kind of funny? I knew for sure I didn't want to ask him face to face because that would be way too nerve-wracking! So, I ended up looking on the internet for ideas as to how to ask him. I saw this idea that said to put an invitation in a box, wrap it up like a gift and leave a note saying you'd be honored by so and so's "presents" (presence) with you at insert name of event or dance here. I think I was still torn between this idea and one other, but I ended up going with the box idea. Then begins the search for everything I'd need for this epic invitation. I texted his older sister again, and asked her to inquire as to his favorite types of candy or candy bars, and she got back to me, but he was very non-specific about what he liked so I had to guess. Anyhow, the adventure started at Porter's.

This is the finished product! Look how pretty it is!

I had a friend of mine give me a ride all over town basically! We first went to Porter's in the hopes of finding some sort of box or wrapping paper with which to decorate the box. We asked at one of the checkout desks, and they had a box exactly the size I needed. Then we went to Broulim's, a local grocery store, and bought candy bars, wrapping paper, ribbons and tissue paper. Then I came home and was at a loss as to how to wrap it. I am not gift wrapping savvy! But luckily my roommate Tashina, and my friend Merri, who funny enough is the guy's sister, helped me wrap the gift. What we ended up realizing was that I bought green cellophane, NOT wrapping paper, so we basically had to use the entire roll to get it to be less see-through! Haha anyhow, Tashina and Merri decorated it BEAUTIFULLY! So we stuffed it with candy,  and I wrote a note in the box saying, "I'd be honored by your "presents" with me at the Jane Austen Yule Ball, on Friday November 30, 2012. Yule have a great time so check yes or no and send a note back to Jen Kendall." The next day I took it to my sister-in-law Nicole, who manages the apartment complex he lives in. She then dropped it off at his apartment (except he wasn't there to receive it!), but I received a note the next day and he checked yes!! Oh I was so excited when I read that! I really did not think he was going to say yes! Haha


So he said yes, and the adventure of dress shopping began! I looked online and found several dresses I REALLY liked, BUT they all shipped from China. So, I thought to myself, better safe than sorry! I'm actually really glad I waited to go dress shopping with Candice and Kristi, because not only was it so much fun, and I discovered an awesome second hand store in Idaho Falls, but I also found a dress that I LOVED and it was only around $25. What a steal! Then we went to lunch at this diner, and I had a roast beef sandwich with au jus, and now I really want another one! Haha it was really good! After lunch we went to the mall in Idaho Falls, and I looked around for some new jeans, but didn't find any that I liked, I also was too lazy to change into any pants that I did see that I liked. Haha but I was worried about finding a sweater to go over my dress, because it needed one, however, we went to Ross, and I found this fun sparkly hat that I wore around the entire store, and I also found a sweater for $11 that was PERFECT for my dress! We went to Claire's for accessories of course, and I found a pair of beautiful sparkly, dangly earrings and some nice long gloves to wear with the dress! We went back to Candice and Kristi's house and had a fashion show for her parents, and then I went back to Rexburg the next day. Spent some time with Tashina and her brother who came to visit. Who was a really cool guy.

The silver sparkly hat!

Then the next Monday it was crunch time! Time to decide hair and makeup and all that other fun stuff. Except I was sick that entire week! My stomach felt awful! I was so scared I wouldn't be able to go to the dance because I felt so gross! Friday came around and I had felt fine, until I came home from classes. I got home from classes, and all of a sudden I had fever, chills, and nausea like none other! I called my mom after I got out of the shower, balling because I didn't know if I could go. My mom told me, "Do you want to cancel this date?" I said, "NO!!!!" She said, "Well then you just gotta deal with it. Just put on the dress, get ready for the dance, say a prayer and I'm sure you'll be fine." Well she was right! I was so nervous I soon forgot all about feeling gross! Haha we went to dinner with a group of friends, in my apartment lounge, and it was really good. It was a lot of fun actually. I was nervous that it would seem weird or not be fun, but the dinner and the dance itself were SO much fun! Even my date kept saying he was having fun. I was so glad I had asked him before Thanksgiving though, because his FHE sisters decided to ask his whole apartment to the dance that Monday! But I had prior claim so he went with me! :) That whole night was so much fun, and I'd love to do it again in a heartbeat! I was so glad that he had fun, and that I made it through the night! I felt terrible for the rest of the weekend, but I made it through the night, had so much fun, and wasn't bothered by anything. And the rest of this post will be dedicated to pictures from the dance and our shopping adventure!

Me and my date Jefferson

In front of the Christmas tree at my apartment

  

 

All of the dinner group, minus my best friend Candice and her boyfriend Helaman, they had to come from American Falls, so they weren't quite ready for pictures yet.

Age

Love Sunday pictures

Age is a funny thing. It's almost a subjective thing. It's different, or it means something different to everyone. Being 22 should not make someone feel old, however, being 22 in an apartment full of 18-19 year olds, makes a gal feel kinda old. Nonetheless, it has been an AMAZING semester so far. I'm doing better in my classes than I ever have been. I made it to midterms without skipping any classes. I still have 0 late or missing assignments, which I used to be really bad about, and my grades are really good. I'm at a solid B average right now.

There are 42 days left in this semester. I can't believe that! It's gone by so fast! I won't be going home for Thanksgiving, but I'll be home for Christmas, thank goodness!  The roommates and I haven't taken too many pictures this semester (even though currently we have one of our fhe's brother's cameras hidden in our apartment), but I'll post the few we have taken this semester.

Me and my roommate Tashina. I just like this picture because my face looks skinny! :)

Picture next to the awesome Mario Wall in Rexburg: Check

It's always a good day when you end up near a statue of Jesus

All but one of my lovely roommates

Fun times at FHE

My lovely roommates and I

A LOVELY photo of the FHE group

Candice and I climbing R Mountain

May I just say I LOVE being skinnier?! This whole low-fat diet has been a bit more costly for me as far as groceries go, but it's turned out so well for me otherwise! My smaller frame may have improved my self opinion but it certainly has not improved my love life. But that's okay, because like I keep telling my roommates, I'm distracted enough as it is, can you imagine how much worse it would be if I had a boyfriend? It would be near IMPOSSIBLE to get anything done! Hahaha so as of right now, I am thankful for my single state. I am also thankful to be back at BYU-Idaho. Weird as it is, it is still the best place for me to be, and I'm so grateful I made the decision to come back. Despite the snow, the weirdos, the judgement, the obsession with marriage, and everything else, it truly is a wonderful place to be.

Since Nobody Reads This I Figure It's A Pretty Safe Confessional Place...

Friday was a really great day. It started off kinda sketchy. I had taken Benadryl and Nyquil the night before to try and beat this pesky cough that won’t go away. The lovely antibiotics really helped with this “sinus infection.”  So I got up at noon (my alarm was set for 10 but I changed it because I didn’t feel like getting up) and when I got up I still felt super drowsy, so I’ve decided I’m never doing that again. Anyhow, so I got up and I showered hoping that would make me feel more human. It did, but it just didn’t make me feel awake. I ate oatmeal for breakfast like I have for the past week and a half-ish, because I can’t eat cereal, which is the only other breakfast item I have. I’m afraid to buy Pop-tarts cuz Trev will tell me they’re unhealthy. Haha anyhow, so I ate a bowl of oatmeal and took my antibiotic pill, and I got ready for choir. I walked to class with my roommate Candice, and since she’s been feeling super sick she skipped her more active classes, but still went to her kinesiology class. I was in a good mood going to choir because I always look forward to going to choir. It’s my favorite class and I love to sing. Music moves me and makes me happy in a way that very few other things do. It’s probably my number one passion at this point.

 So, in choir we practiced music for Savior of the World, and I am SOO SOO excited for that performance I can’t even explain. The music is so beautiful and so wonderful and it’s such a huge testimony builder. I love praising Christ’s name in song. To me, words just can’t express the total feelings and emotions and power that embody the Savior like music can. In fact, at this very moment I have the song Come Deliver Us stuck in my head. What a wonderful talent to have to be able to write such beautiful music and I feel so blessed just to be a small part of a choir that gets to sing it. So I came home after choir in a great mood because like I said few things lift me up more than singing a beautiful song. When I got home the blinds were shut and I wanted to open then and Candice near ripped off my head for the suggestion. It was a beautiful day and the sun was out so obviously I wanted to open the blinds since it doesn’t shine much in Idaho during the winter, but Candice had a migraine so that wasn’t going to happen. Then I decided to come in my room and practice more Savior of the World songs, because I love them so much. Then I decided to study a little for my child development test. Then our downstairs neighbor Gina came up to visit and I decided she’s a neat girl. but I just didn't feel like talking to her, so I kept my headphones in. 

Then I talked to my roommate Mckenzie and asked if she still wanted to go see Beastly, she said she does but that she couldn’t because she had to work and take a test today since she’ll be gone all day Saturday. So I was a little bummed, but luckily I got to go with my friend Rachel. That’s kind of a funny friendship. I feel like we’re not really great friends we’re just kind of hanging out because almost everyone that she knows transferred so I’m one of her only friends here. I don’t mind it it’s just kind of an odd friendship. Story of my life, though. Anyhow, so Rachel and I went to Idaho Falls to see Beastly since for some stupid reason it wasn’t playing in Rexburg. We went to eat at Panda Express which was really good but the Chow Mein and Sweet and Sour Pork had a ton of onions in it. And the Sweet and Sour Pork wasn’t that great. 

After we ate we went to see Beastly. It’s an amazing movie. I loved every minute of it. But it made me think. It made me think about love and how I feel towards it. I think there was this scene that kind of inspired my thinking. Well there were two that really kind of stuck with me. There’s this scene where the main characters meet eat other at a dance party for Halloween and the girl says to the guy that she’s witnessing the death of romance and that no one really has that sloppy sappy kind of romance anymore. Then the second scene that really made me think is when he takes her to the zoo and he says that this place has great meaning for him, and he tells her the story of a mom elephant who migrates back to the place her children died just to see their bones, and he turns to her and asks if she can imagine that kind of love and she says no.

 I felt bad, because I had such amazing parents and never once doubted their love. But it’s another kind of love that I’m afraid of. I’m afraid to fall in love, I think. In some ways I think that I easily fall into like. It doesn’t take much to make me like a guy. Pretty much just a good smile, great sense of humor and good personality. I know I fall in like easily. I know I probably don’t hold myself back as much as I should, but at the same time, I’ve never been in love. I’m afraid to fall in love, because I’m afraid of feeling like I’m not good enough. I’m afraid of being rejected because of my past. I’m afraid that I’ll think he loves me but he really doesn’t. I’m just afraid in general. Being in love is scary to me; a lot because you have to trust someone to love them.  I don’t trust very easily. I trust myself, and that’s pretty much it. I don’t like to trust others, because it hasn’t worked out so well for me in the past. Not even with my dad. I hate to be one of those girls who uses “daddy issues” as a crutch, and honestly it’s really not a crutch. I have a great relationship with my dad now, but I didn’t for a while. Anyhow, so ya because of things that happened with my dad and because of past friendships I don’t trust very easily. 

I don’t want to trust someone. I think that’s my problem. I can be friends with someone, but that doesn’t mean I trust them. Odd I know, but it’s just how I am. I don’t want to fall in love, because I don’t want to be emotionally vulnerable and I don’t want to trust a guy. I’m afraid of trusting the wrong person and getting hurt. I guess I’m just afraid in general. This is really dumb. I could go on forever and list all my fears about falling in love, but I won’t. I’ll just end this now by saying bottom line: I’m afraid to fall in love. And when the time is right it will happen, and Heavenly Father will probably make it interesting for me, because I have all these walls protecting me. But until them I’m just going to keep building these walls and shutting anyone out who gets too close. Cliché? Yes, but I’m okay with that if it means not getting hurt.