Friday was a really great day. It started off kinda sketchy. I had taken Benadryl and Nyquil the night before to try and beat this pesky cough that won’t go away. The lovely antibiotics really helped with this “sinus infection.” So I got up at noon (my alarm was set for 10 but I changed it because I didn’t feel like getting up) and when I got up I still felt super drowsy, so I’ve decided I’m never doing that again. Anyhow, so I got up and I showered hoping that would make me feel more human. It did, but it just didn’t make me feel awake. I ate oatmeal for breakfast like I have for the past week and a half-ish, because I can’t eat cereal, which is the only other breakfast item I have. I’m afraid to buy Pop-tarts cuz Trev will tell me they’re unhealthy. Haha anyhow, so I ate a bowl of oatmeal and took my antibiotic pill, and I got ready for choir. I walked to class with my roommate Candice, and since she’s been feeling super sick she skipped her more active classes, but still went to her kinesiology class. I was in a good mood going to choir because I always look forward to going to choir. It’s my favorite class and I love to sing. Music moves me and makes me happy in a way that very few other things do. It’s probably my number one passion at this point.
So, in choir we practiced music for Savior of the World, and I am SOO SOO excited for that performance I can’t even explain. The music is so beautiful and so wonderful and it’s such a huge testimony builder. I love praising Christ’s name in song. To me, words just can’t express the total feelings and emotions and power that embody the Savior like music can. In fact, at this very moment I have the song Come Deliver Us stuck in my head. What a wonderful talent to have to be able to write such beautiful music and I feel so blessed just to be a small part of a choir that gets to sing it. So I came home after choir in a great mood because like I said few things lift me up more than singing a beautiful song. When I got home the blinds were shut and I wanted to open then and Candice near ripped off my head for the suggestion. It was a beautiful day and the sun was out so obviously I wanted to open the blinds since it doesn’t shine much in Idaho during the winter, but Candice had a migraine so that wasn’t going to happen. Then I decided to come in my room and practice more Savior of the World songs, because I love them so much. Then I decided to study a little for my child development test. Then our downstairs neighbor Gina came up to visit and I decided she’s a neat girl. but I just didn't feel like talking to her, so I kept my headphones in.
Then I talked to my roommate Mckenzie and asked if she still wanted to go see Beastly, she said she does but that she couldn’t because she had to work and take a test today since she’ll be gone all day Saturday. So I was a little bummed, but luckily I got to go with my friend Rachel. That’s kind of a funny friendship. I feel like we’re not really great friends we’re just kind of hanging out because almost everyone that she knows transferred so I’m one of her only friends here. I don’t mind it it’s just kind of an odd friendship. Story of my life, though. Anyhow, so Rachel and I went to Idaho Falls to see Beastly since for some stupid reason it wasn’t playing in Rexburg. We went to eat at Panda Express which was really good but the Chow Mein and Sweet and Sour Pork had a ton of onions in it. And the Sweet and Sour Pork wasn’t that great.
After we ate we went to see Beastly. It’s an amazing movie. I loved every minute of it. But it made me think. It made me think about love and how I feel towards it. I think there was this scene that kind of inspired my thinking. Well there were two that really kind of stuck with me. There’s this scene where the main characters meet eat other at a dance party for Halloween and the girl says to the guy that she’s witnessing the death of romance and that no one really has that sloppy sappy kind of romance anymore. Then the second scene that really made me think is when he takes her to the zoo and he says that this place has great meaning for him, and he tells her the story of a mom elephant who migrates back to the place her children died just to see their bones, and he turns to her and asks if she can imagine that kind of love and she says no.
I felt bad, because I had such amazing parents and never once doubted their love. But it’s another kind of love that I’m afraid of. I’m afraid to fall in love, I think. In some ways I think that I easily fall into like. It doesn’t take much to make me like a guy. Pretty much just a good smile, great sense of humor and good personality. I know I fall in like easily. I know I probably don’t hold myself back as much as I should, but at the same time, I’ve never been in love. I’m afraid to fall in love, because I’m afraid of feeling like I’m not good enough. I’m afraid of being rejected because of my past. I’m afraid that I’ll think he loves me but he really doesn’t. I’m just afraid in general. Being in love is scary to me; a lot because you have to trust someone to love them. I don’t trust very easily. I trust myself, and that’s pretty much it. I don’t like to trust others, because it hasn’t worked out so well for me in the past. Not even with my dad. I hate to be one of those girls who uses “daddy issues” as a crutch, and honestly it’s really not a crutch. I have a great relationship with my dad now, but I didn’t for a while. Anyhow, so ya because of things that happened with my dad and because of past friendships I don’t trust very easily.
I don’t want to trust someone. I think that’s my problem. I can be friends with someone, but that doesn’t mean I trust them. Odd I know, but it’s just how I am. I don’t want to fall in love, because I don’t want to be emotionally vulnerable and I don’t want to trust a guy. I’m afraid of trusting the wrong person and getting hurt. I guess I’m just afraid in general. This is really dumb. I could go on forever and list all my fears about falling in love, but I won’t. I’ll just end this now by saying bottom line: I’m afraid to fall in love. And when the time is right it will happen, and Heavenly Father will probably make it interesting for me, because I have all these walls protecting me. But until them I’m just going to keep building these walls and shutting anyone out who gets too close. Cliché? Yes, but I’m okay with that if it means not getting hurt.
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