Since Nobody Reads This I Figure It's A Pretty Safe Confessional Place...

Friday was a really great day. It started off kinda sketchy. I had taken Benadryl and Nyquil the night before to try and beat this pesky cough that won’t go away. The lovely antibiotics really helped with this “sinus infection.”  So I got up at noon (my alarm was set for 10 but I changed it because I didn’t feel like getting up) and when I got up I still felt super drowsy, so I’ve decided I’m never doing that again. Anyhow, so I got up and I showered hoping that would make me feel more human. It did, but it just didn’t make me feel awake. I ate oatmeal for breakfast like I have for the past week and a half-ish, because I can’t eat cereal, which is the only other breakfast item I have. I’m afraid to buy Pop-tarts cuz Trev will tell me they’re unhealthy. Haha anyhow, so I ate a bowl of oatmeal and took my antibiotic pill, and I got ready for choir. I walked to class with my roommate Candice, and since she’s been feeling super sick she skipped her more active classes, but still went to her kinesiology class. I was in a good mood going to choir because I always look forward to going to choir. It’s my favorite class and I love to sing. Music moves me and makes me happy in a way that very few other things do. It’s probably my number one passion at this point.

 So, in choir we practiced music for Savior of the World, and I am SOO SOO excited for that performance I can’t even explain. The music is so beautiful and so wonderful and it’s such a huge testimony builder. I love praising Christ’s name in song. To me, words just can’t express the total feelings and emotions and power that embody the Savior like music can. In fact, at this very moment I have the song Come Deliver Us stuck in my head. What a wonderful talent to have to be able to write such beautiful music and I feel so blessed just to be a small part of a choir that gets to sing it. So I came home after choir in a great mood because like I said few things lift me up more than singing a beautiful song. When I got home the blinds were shut and I wanted to open then and Candice near ripped off my head for the suggestion. It was a beautiful day and the sun was out so obviously I wanted to open the blinds since it doesn’t shine much in Idaho during the winter, but Candice had a migraine so that wasn’t going to happen. Then I decided to come in my room and practice more Savior of the World songs, because I love them so much. Then I decided to study a little for my child development test. Then our downstairs neighbor Gina came up to visit and I decided she’s a neat girl. but I just didn't feel like talking to her, so I kept my headphones in. 

Then I talked to my roommate Mckenzie and asked if she still wanted to go see Beastly, she said she does but that she couldn’t because she had to work and take a test today since she’ll be gone all day Saturday. So I was a little bummed, but luckily I got to go with my friend Rachel. That’s kind of a funny friendship. I feel like we’re not really great friends we’re just kind of hanging out because almost everyone that she knows transferred so I’m one of her only friends here. I don’t mind it it’s just kind of an odd friendship. Story of my life, though. Anyhow, so Rachel and I went to Idaho Falls to see Beastly since for some stupid reason it wasn’t playing in Rexburg. We went to eat at Panda Express which was really good but the Chow Mein and Sweet and Sour Pork had a ton of onions in it. And the Sweet and Sour Pork wasn’t that great. 

After we ate we went to see Beastly. It’s an amazing movie. I loved every minute of it. But it made me think. It made me think about love and how I feel towards it. I think there was this scene that kind of inspired my thinking. Well there were two that really kind of stuck with me. There’s this scene where the main characters meet eat other at a dance party for Halloween and the girl says to the guy that she’s witnessing the death of romance and that no one really has that sloppy sappy kind of romance anymore. Then the second scene that really made me think is when he takes her to the zoo and he says that this place has great meaning for him, and he tells her the story of a mom elephant who migrates back to the place her children died just to see their bones, and he turns to her and asks if she can imagine that kind of love and she says no.

 I felt bad, because I had such amazing parents and never once doubted their love. But it’s another kind of love that I’m afraid of. I’m afraid to fall in love, I think. In some ways I think that I easily fall into like. It doesn’t take much to make me like a guy. Pretty much just a good smile, great sense of humor and good personality. I know I fall in like easily. I know I probably don’t hold myself back as much as I should, but at the same time, I’ve never been in love. I’m afraid to fall in love, because I’m afraid of feeling like I’m not good enough. I’m afraid of being rejected because of my past. I’m afraid that I’ll think he loves me but he really doesn’t. I’m just afraid in general. Being in love is scary to me; a lot because you have to trust someone to love them.  I don’t trust very easily. I trust myself, and that’s pretty much it. I don’t like to trust others, because it hasn’t worked out so well for me in the past. Not even with my dad. I hate to be one of those girls who uses “daddy issues” as a crutch, and honestly it’s really not a crutch. I have a great relationship with my dad now, but I didn’t for a while. Anyhow, so ya because of things that happened with my dad and because of past friendships I don’t trust very easily. 

I don’t want to trust someone. I think that’s my problem. I can be friends with someone, but that doesn’t mean I trust them. Odd I know, but it’s just how I am. I don’t want to fall in love, because I don’t want to be emotionally vulnerable and I don’t want to trust a guy. I’m afraid of trusting the wrong person and getting hurt. I guess I’m just afraid in general. This is really dumb. I could go on forever and list all my fears about falling in love, but I won’t. I’ll just end this now by saying bottom line: I’m afraid to fall in love. And when the time is right it will happen, and Heavenly Father will probably make it interesting for me, because I have all these walls protecting me. But until them I’m just going to keep building these walls and shutting anyone out who gets too close. Cliché? Yes, but I’m okay with that if it means not getting hurt.

BYU-Idaho Center Dedication

Today I had the privilege of singing with the majority of the choirs at this university in the dedication of the new BYU-Idaho Center and the additions to the Manwaring Center.  This was the most amazing and spiritual experience of my entire life. I sat six rows away from a member of the First Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. What a wonderful and amazing experience that was. I came to have an even firmer testimony that this church really is the true church, and that the men who run it are really and truly called of God. You can feel it as soon as they walk into the room, that they have been in the presence of God and truly have His spirit with them at all times.

I was so excited to perform. I was so nervous too! There was a ton of security, and I was so nervous that I wouldn't be able to find my way to the gym where we were rehearsing, as well as not being able to get through security! I was so nervous that I even had nightmares! BUT everything turned out fine. The first part of the day, at least before the performance, went really well. We did a few vocal warm-ups, rehearsed the Mo-Tab Rendition of Come Thou Fount for a while, and that was amazing. It was seriously a great way to bring the Spirit into our hearts before the performance. And then there was a break period, where people could get water and use the bathroom before we went down to the auditorium (the gyms are on the east side of the second floor and the auditorium is on the western side of the first floor). Then it was show time. I can remember walking on the stage and looking out at the audience and just being in awe that I was there, and I actually got to be a part of this special and amazing occasion. I felt like I was performing at some amazing concert hall or something. I was so excited, and it was the little kid kind of excitement where you're squirming in your seat and kind of wanting to jump up and down, and just filled this kinetic energy that nothing except performing would get rid of. And then the apostles walked in. I remember, everyone was talking really loud and then there was this hush all of a sudden and people started standing up, and I thought to myself, why is everyone standing up? And then I looked at the tv screens they have built in to the half-wall things next to the podium, and I saw President Eyring walk in and as I stood up, it was like the Spirit whispered to me, this is real. These people that you see on TV and in pictures are really and truly men of God. And after that it was like, boom, here come the tears, and it was almost a never-ending flow after that.

President Bednar spoke after President Clark (who was also a little emotional), and being a former president of the college, in fact he was the president of the college right before being called to the Quorum of the Twelve, he was very emotional and he opened by saying it's good to be home. As soon as he said that I loved him even more. He gave a brief but wonderful talk, and then Elder Russel M. Nelson spoke and he did a wonderful job too. And then it was time to perform. I wasn't sure how well I was going to be able to sing in that I had been somewhat crying for the previous twenty minutes, but as soon as I opened my mouth, it was like there were a choir of Angels singing with us. The Spirit of God really did burn like a fire that whole time, not just during the song but during the entire dedication.Then it was President Eyring's turn. And he did an amazing job. The entire time he spoke I was just so filled with the Spirit. I might not remember what everyone said, but I remember the feelings. And I remember just how amazed and humbled and awed I felt to be part of such an amazing and historical event.

I'm not so good at this blogging thing...

So as more and more of my friends start blogging, I realize maybe this is better than journaling, since I seem to be pretty lame about that too. Which when you think about it is kind of sad, because if you know my grandfather you know that he has binders and binders full of journal entries, I don't think a day goes by where he doesn't write in his journal. I on the other hand in my nearly twenty years of living have never been able to fill a single one out. Or up. Anyhow, as I get into my second semester of my junior year of college, I look back on so many things and wish I would've done better. Journaling is one of many things I wish I would've done better at.

For an update, those of you who don't know, I have decided on a major. I am officially an Early Childhood Special Education Major. I'm not really sure what I want to do with that. Maybe teach K-2nd grade. That would be my ideal range. I would be a Speech Pathology major but BYUI doesn't have a program for that and I have zero desire to transfer. Life at BYUI is amazing. There's such a spirit of friendliness, and wholeness to this place. It makes me want to be better. And I think I've realized that I need to be in a place like this. I need to be in a place where I can be surrounded by people who have the same standards and values that I do, and who can lift me up instead of dragging me down. I love that being Mormon and talking about the Gospel here isn't weird. I love that we start class with prayer and occasionally a hymn. I love that even my choir class is gospel related. Heavenly Father knew that this was the place that I needed to be. And even though it's freezing, snowy, and a sucky 10 hour drive from home, it's a place that I have come to cherish.

Alexander and the Horrible Terrible No Good Very Bad Day...

So as a kid one of my favorite books was "Alexander and the Horrible, Awful, No Good, Very Bad Day" and from time to time, whenever I have a bad day it reminds me of that book. Well today was one of those days. I ALMOST lost my cell phone after psychology, but luckily was able to find it. THEN after my last class for the day, I found out that I had lost my I card. Which is a student ID card for all BYUI students and it contains all of the money you need for food and printing papers and things like that. So I decided after I got done eating lunch (I didn't realize that I didn't have my card until I went to pay for my lunch) that I would go back to the classroom and see if it was still there. Well when I got there a class was still in session, so I had to wait for a while, but when I got there my I card unfortunately was not there. So I have two papers that need to be printed out and hopefully one of my roommates will be generous enough to allow me to use one of their printers. Other than these two instances my day has been pretty good. But I am kinda homesick today. I've gotten to the point where I'm not so homesick anymore, but I think on bad days everybody gets a little homesick. Or maybe it's just me. I don't know. I was talking to my best friend Terrah yesterday and explaining to her some of the things that I miss about home, and I said I miss the sounds of trains, but I don't miss the sounds of gunshots. Haha I can't wait to go home for thanksgiving. I just need someone to call me or text me saying they can give me a ride. Well I guess I'll just have to hope for the best!

College...

So here I sit at a computer in the David O. McKay Library at BYU-Idaho and a ton of thoughts are running through my mind right now. First off is how much I really need to be studying for my Social Problems test right now, but the online reading is really boring. Haha second is that I'm meeting my new friends Melanie and Ariel for dinner in about a half hour and I'm definitely stoked for that, because I'm really hungry. Lol and third is that college is different. There's this whole attitude of business and relaxation all at the same time. It's really strange but nice. My grades are really good so far. I mostly have a's and b's in all of my classes. I'm taking Intro to Geology, General Psychology, Intro to Theater, Social Problems, and Book of Mormon. I think my favorite class this semester is Social Problems. It's very interesting and gives me a different view of the world, plus my professor is really out there, so it's kind of entertaining as well as "intellectually stimulating." I think my least favorite class is intro to Geology. There are some interesting parts but for the most part it has a tendency to put me to sleep. I got a 75% on the test that I took for that test today so I guess that you can still take really good notes while half asleep. Haha It took me a long while to adjust to being here. Well maybe not a long while, but longer than I originally anticipated. It was just last week where I really began to feel like I think I can manage this college thing. I still don't feel old enough to be in college, but I really do like it here. Life has finally fallen into place for me I think. I'm so grateful for all the wonderful new friends I've made here. I know for sure that if it weren't for them I probably would have just called it quits and had my parents come get me a long time ago. Haha so hopefully life here in Rexburg, Idaho will just get better. It's been pretty good so far so here's to life just getting better!